Your mom nudge in your ribs. It is a signal to take off your earphones in a place with all relatives. Because you wore earphones to avoid conversations with them, you consider neglecting the signal for a while, but soon, you quietly follow her signal. It is because you don’t want to see your mother’s face gets hardened. However, shortly after you take off your earphones and hear relatives’ conversation, you regret it. Grandfather’s boring and obvious sermon about life, meaningless son show off, endless political debate which is done only to boast their knowledge and constant marriage push towards uncle… When you decide to put on earphones again since you know you cannot listen to them with a smile anymore, the arrow of conversation turn towards you. Uncle who could not bear his mother’s marriage push anymore, asks you about your school life. Since they know there is no more interesting themes to talk about than a school life of a student in ‘the best highschool in Korea’, most of your relatives stop talking and look at you. Though you know what they want to hear is ‘a little bit hard but exciting school life’ or ‘sparkling school episode’ that can entertain them, you just cannot open the mouth to talk about them. You only hardly say ‘everything’s going well’ with an awkward smile. Though your grandfather encourage you saying ‘you must be a great man since you are the only hope of our family’, you can say nothing but have a heavy heart. It is because you cannot bear to happily talk about school life or agree that you would be a great man. If you look back on the past, you definitely did not enjoy school life or achieve results but only desperately struggled in order to get out of a deep hollow that continuously makes you feel depressed. Though the relatives, who did not notice the awkwardness in your smile, keeps giving you a lecture accompanied by their life story and saying ‘you will be a great man’, you autonomously wish to close your ear. Contrary to your hope, their words automatically flow in your ears, and you eventually get depressed.
What I always think is that ‘me that I know’ and ‘me that other people know’ is totally different, and this sense of difference is the main reason that makes me depressed and sometimes angry in Chuseok. Relatives, who rarely sees me, think I am a great person who is totally qualified for the school I am in, diligent, and faithful in everything. They assure I will be a great doctor and enjoy all the power that vested interests can enjoy, and this makes them to regard me as ‘the only hope of our family’. Not only that, as if they think their life story is necessary for my success, they constantly give me a meaningless life lecture (which is for boasting their dramatic life story, I guess). However, I believe I got into the school because I was lucky, am not diligent but always postpone things to do, and still have difficulty in adapting a school. Unlike the relative that anticipate something amazing from my life, I am not fluttered to what I would achieve in future. Whenever they ask me school life in order to assure than I’m doing well, I feel deep pressure to be a ‘better person’ (that eventually becomes stress) and sense of shame about how I have lived. I feel anger as well towards them who give me tremendous pressure to study, though they have not done anything for our family but always torment my mother or seek ways to get money from dad. However, it is uncomfortable to be with relatives even when the theme of conversation is not related to me. Listening to political debates between very conservative old men (most of my relatives are from Daegu), a marriage push from conservative minds towards my uncle who already had ‘non-marriage ceremony’, and old stories mainly about the dramatic life of the elderly just make me hope to close ears. So this is why I’d rate my Chuseok 10 on a scale from 1 to 10 in terms of mental stress.
Of course, I know my relatives are not bad people and I should not dislike them or feel discomfort in place with them since we are ‘family’ who should embrace each other in any case. This is why I always feel guilty whenever I recognize myself unconsciously being uncomfortable when they have conversations about a theme that I don’t want to talk about, such as politics. Also, asking school life and giving life lectures to nephews and grandchildren are pretty reasonable for them, and it is true that it is definitely my problem to feel discomfort about asking those questions. Because my inconvenience toward my relative has continued since I was very young (I think this is because I’ve seen my mother suffering from relatives constantly for a long time), I don’t think it would fade away sometimes. Though my mother, who is the only one who knows this, consoles me saying that it will end when I become an adult, I am sure this will never end. University life, getting a job, and marriage… There are so many things that relative can interfere, and I am pretty sure that the pressure and interference would continue until I get married. However, until then, I will do my best to pretend to be happy with them talking about me, and actually try to embrace them. Since a mind that has been piled up for a long time cannot be easily changed, I believe it is the best I can do.
What I always think is that ‘me that I know’ and ‘me that other people know’ is totally different, and this sense of difference is the main reason that makes me depressed and sometimes angry in Chuseok. Relatives, who rarely sees me, think I am a great person who is totally qualified for the school I am in, diligent, and faithful in everything. They assure I will be a great doctor and enjoy all the power that vested interests can enjoy, and this makes them to regard me as ‘the only hope of our family’. Not only that, as if they think their life story is necessary for my success, they constantly give me a meaningless life lecture (which is for boasting their dramatic life story, I guess). However, I believe I got into the school because I was lucky, am not diligent but always postpone things to do, and still have difficulty in adapting a school. Unlike the relative that anticipate something amazing from my life, I am not fluttered to what I would achieve in future. Whenever they ask me school life in order to assure than I’m doing well, I feel deep pressure to be a ‘better person’ (that eventually becomes stress) and sense of shame about how I have lived. I feel anger as well towards them who give me tremendous pressure to study, though they have not done anything for our family but always torment my mother or seek ways to get money from dad. However, it is uncomfortable to be with relatives even when the theme of conversation is not related to me. Listening to political debates between very conservative old men (most of my relatives are from Daegu), a marriage push from conservative minds towards my uncle who already had ‘non-marriage ceremony’, and old stories mainly about the dramatic life of the elderly just make me hope to close ears. So this is why I’d rate my Chuseok 10 on a scale from 1 to 10 in terms of mental stress.
Of course, I know my relatives are not bad people and I should not dislike them or feel discomfort in place with them since we are ‘family’ who should embrace each other in any case. This is why I always feel guilty whenever I recognize myself unconsciously being uncomfortable when they have conversations about a theme that I don’t want to talk about, such as politics. Also, asking school life and giving life lectures to nephews and grandchildren are pretty reasonable for them, and it is true that it is definitely my problem to feel discomfort about asking those questions. Because my inconvenience toward my relative has continued since I was very young (I think this is because I’ve seen my mother suffering from relatives constantly for a long time), I don’t think it would fade away sometimes. Though my mother, who is the only one who knows this, consoles me saying that it will end when I become an adult, I am sure this will never end. University life, getting a job, and marriage… There are so many things that relative can interfere, and I am pretty sure that the pressure and interference would continue until I get married. However, until then, I will do my best to pretend to be happy with them talking about me, and actually try to embrace them. Since a mind that has been piled up for a long time cannot be easily changed, I believe it is the best I can do.
Really honest writing. A bit "moody" but very raw emotion and compelling narrative. Well done.
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