To God (2)

To God.

God, I decided not to trust you anymore.

I feel like you are merely an illusion now.

When I confessed this to my friend, B, she told me that faith is not what I can have just because I want it, but what you present to people who crave for it and all I can do now is to pray for that faith.

But what is faith exactly?

Isn’t it just a result of giving up having a question on your existence and hypnotizing myself that you are real?

I can’t even believe that millions of people who don’t believe in you are all committing a sin and eventually will go to hell.

Those numerous little children in Africa who died after lifetime exploitation of labor under an evil boss...

Are you going to turn your face away from them and just send them to hell, saying ‘you didn’t believe in me.’?

They didn’t even have a chance to know you. They must not have seen a bible for their entire life.

Even if they attain salvation and go to heaven, how will you take responsibility for the suffering they have gone through on Earth?

I can’t understand your logic that a Christian who has never donated to anybody is more worth going to heaven than an unreligious person who has never stopped volunteering for his entire life.

And aren’t people who were born under Christian parents too advantageous than others to attain salvation in the first place?

I don’t know why you don’t give a fair chance to believe in you to everyone though the issue of redemption is so crucial.

When I asked these questions to Christians around me, they gave various answers, but most of them were based on the logic that ‘God will visit the iniquity of the fathers upon their sons’.

According to this logic, those people who have an advantage in believing you are ahead of others thanks to their numerous ancestors who were always on your side while those people who didn’t have a chance to believe you are going to hell because of their sinned ancestors.

But how should I accept that behaviors of our ancestors whom we even don’t know their face affect our lives?

God,

I know that you are too great for humans to understand everything about you with limited knowledge.

I know that though you don’t give an answer to our praying, ‘no answer’ itself is an answer that you give.

Many people told me that I should stop doubting you since it would merely make me more painful, and yes, it is actually very painful to hate you as a person who knows that questioning your existence itself is a sin.

But I can’t just stop thinking about Christian lesbian friends who are disregarded by everyone in the church for being sinners, children abused as human shields who had to shoot other people for their survivals, and everyone who had to die in pain without knowing your existence (or maybe, resenting you for making them born in this world).

This is why I confess to you here that I will work for those people, whom you call sinners in the future. Though I don’t know a specific way that I can do to help them yet, I am sure that I won’t disregard them as you did.

It may be through a way that you agree with, but sometimes, the best I think and your logic may contradict somehow.

In that case, I won’t just neglect what you say in the bible, but I won’t completely compromise my principles according to your logic either, though it might be what you call sin.

I am young, and you may call me naïve, immature, and unsophisticated, but this is the best conclusion I could come up with after five years of agony.

From HyeWon