To God.

 

To God.

God, I decided not to trust you anymore.

I feel like you are merely an illusion now.

I feel like ‘full faith on you’ that people talk about is a result of self-brainwashing.

When I confessed this to mom, a committed Christian, she seemed to be very angry.

Maybe, she felt like I was telling her like this.

‘congratulations! You succeeded brainwashing yourself into believing that a fake is a real!’

Of course, I didn’t mean it, but everyone whom I confessed this reacted similarly.

In fact, there was a person who showed a different reaction from others.

My friend, B, told me that a faith is not what I can have just because I want it, but what you present to people who crave for it and all I can do now is to pray for that faith.

But I can’t believe it either.

What is faith exactly?

Isn’t it just a result of giving up having a question on your existence and hypnotizing myself that you are a real?

I can’t even believe that millions of people who don’t believe in you are all committing a sin and eventually will go to hell.

Those numerous little children in Africa who died after a lifetime exploitation of labor under an evil boss…

Are you going to turn your face away from them and just send them to hell, saying ‘you didn’t believe in me!’?

They didn’t even have a chance to know you. They must not have seen a bible for their entire life.

Even if they attain salvation and go to heaven, how will you take responsibility for the suffering they have gone through on Earth?

I can’t understand your logic that a Christian who has never donated to anybody is more worth going to heaven than an unreligious person who has never stopped volunteering for his entire life.

And aren’t people who were born under Christian parents too advantageous than others to attain salvation in the first place?

I don’t know why you don’t give a fair chance to believe in you to everyone though the issue of redemption is so crucial.

When I asked these questions to Christians around me, they gave various answers, but most of them was based on the logic that ‘God will visit the inquity of the fathers upon their sons’.

According to this logic, those people who have advantage in believing you are ahead of others thanks to their numerous ancestors who were always on your side while those people who didn’t have chance to believe you are going to hell because of their sinned ancestors.

But how should I accept that behaviors of ancestors whom I even don’t know their face affect my life?

I didn’t even have chances to tell my ancestors that ‘Please do not commit a sin! Your every behavior influence your descendant’s life too! I don’t want to be punished because of sin that a person I don’t even know had committed!’

 

God,

If you really exist and can feel what I feel now, can’t you just give me that ‘faith on you’?

Yes, I am suspicious to what people call ‘faith’ and even don’t know whether it really exists, but it’s so painful to keep questioning about it.

I don’t care whether it is merely a result of hypnosis or self-brainwashing.

As a person who has believed in you for a long time and know that questioning your existence itself is a sin, it is too hard to doubt and hate you.

 

I know that you are too great for humans to understand everything about you with limited knowledge.

I know that though you don’t give answer to our praying, ‘no answer’ itself is an answer that you give.

But I wish you give me an answer to these questions even if this is the last time you do so.

 

From Hye Won